"Houston, We Have Absolutely Zero Problems. Super Bowl XXXVIII Rocks!"
by Rich Denny
(Commissioner, Legit Fantasy Football League)
Flew into George Bush Airport from Reagan Airport. Not sure what to make of that, but I guess it's better than flying from Carter to Clinton would have been. First thing I noticed was just how big Houston is. I never realized it's the fourth largest city in the US, but I sure did while sitting in one traffic jam after another. I don't think they were fully prepared for the onslaught of northern redneck Patriot fans that came looking for tickets. Yes, northern rednecks. Every Pats fan I saw resembled a cross between Tom Arnold and John Belushi. Great fans though. Anyone willing to fork out $2500 for a ticket is a diehard fan in my book. Yes, scalpers were asking and getting over $2k a ticket, even for the fake ones. Side note-how bad would that suck? Back to the fake tickets and New England fans later.
So back to Saturday. We had corporate tickets and got invited to a really nice suite set up in the Westin Galleria. Free booze, free food, and they kept bringing in NFL players to talk to, get pictures, autographs, etc. So we're up there and the first player I spotted was Brad Johnson. I had to chuckle a little when I thought of where he was last year at this time. It's also funny seeing how corporate officers react to athletes. They go from being serious and reserved to getting kinda groupie-ish and then getting a silly grin on their face. Next guy who came up was Domanick Davis. He was sporting a black Michael Jackson looking hat, and when I shook his hand, his fingernails were so sharp they almost cut my palm. Read anything you'd like into that. But he was really a nice guy. I thanked him for carrying my fantasy team to the Super Bowl, and wished him luck on getting 2,000 yards next year. He got REALLY fired up when I brought that up, and smacked my shoulder a little bit, but in the back of my head all I could think was "no way this guy can stay healthy enough to get 2k". Then, I spotted Seth Joyner walking around. I only bring this up because it didn't seem like anyone else noticed him. I guess he's been out of the league too long, because he didn't sign one autograph, and didn't get one picture taken. He came up, had a few beers, and left. I looked up a few minutes later, and saw a crowd building over by the door. In walks Daunte Culpepper wearing a Staubach jersey with his entourage. Side note-one of his buddies had a spectacular OJ Simpson Bills jersey on. Back to Daunte, he was blinged out from Motorola, they had a 15-carat diamond phone and blue tooth headset they gave away before the game, and he using it, walking around, showing it off. But that's not what caught my eye. What caught my eye was the seven-inch diamond encrusted chili pepper he had around his neck. I know his last name is CulPEPPER, but come on Daunte.
We were invited to a party later that night, so we had to kill a couple of hours, so we headed to the Galleria mall downstairs. What a mall. Every designer you can think of, just a HUGE mall. Lots of celebrity sightings here; R Kelly, Brittney Spears, D'Angelo, and the one that impressed me most, Kellen Winslow Jr. That guy is a damn tank. I mean, HUGE. Ripped to shreds. Can't wait to draft him in next year’s fantasy leagues. Side note--Amazing to see how many 14 year old girls still chase after R. Kelly.
After being a mall rat for a while, we headed over to the party "Houston Big Round Up". Thousands of people there, free food everywhere, free booze, Blues Traveler was playing, overall good time aside from the dirt covered floor. It looked like I was dragged toe first behind a tractor when I left that place. Funniest moment of the evening came at the hands of two kids about 8 or 9 years old coming up to a guy we were with asking him for an autograph. Now, I know there are athletes everywhere, but not every larger black guy is a NFL player. He said "I'm nobody" and the kids didn't look like they believed him. I had to kinda defuse the situation with the kids dad, and felt like saying take your kids home. After a long day of travel, we were tired so we didn't stay long, and I wanted to save my energy for Gameday, so we headed home.
The next day, checked out another meet and greet event. Dennis Green was speaking. What a character. He sat up there for about an hour, giving his standard corporate ra-ra speech, and tried to sell everyone on exactly how the Arizona Cardinals were going to win 10 games next year. He said he has Mike Holmgren in his pocket (DIRECT quote), wants to beat every team with a new coach that they play next year and also wants to beat the Lions. He spelled it all out, game by game, but my brain stopped computing anything when he said Arizona and 10-6 in the same sentence. I guess you have to believe you're going to be good before you can be good, but I'll buy into when I see it, because all I could remember was the 41-0 sha-lacking his Vikings took by the Giants in the playoffs three years ago. Finally, I was ready to get out of there and get going, it's game day, and I was ready!
We headed over to Reliant Stadium, and let me tell you, that place is gorgeous. It probably helps that it's sitting next to the dump otherwise
known as the Astrodome, but it's magnificent.
The streets were lined with Tom Arnold-Belushi
clones as far as the eye could see all looking for
tickets. All of them were wearing either a
Bruschi or a Brady jersey. I saw a few Woody
jerseys and never realized how funny of a name
it was until then. "Woody."
So we park and had plans to walk around for a
while before going into the stadium….that is until
we saw the long and still growing lines for security.
This was like the slow grocery line from hell.
We picked the slowest one of the bunch. It took
us about an hour and a half to get inside the outer
gates. But later, when we got inside and looked
back at the line, it was MUCH worse, so I was
relieved we came early. That's my only real complaint of the trip, it was poorly managed. They didn't have anyone outside the gates telling people were to line up, so it was kinda chaotic. Now imagine the absolute horror some folks went thru with fake tickets because they didn't find out until they got scanned AFTER waiting in the security lines. I'd be ready to kill someone. Best moment came from the Panthers fan in front of me. A bunch of Pats fans started a "Let's go pa-tri-ots" chant, and he yelled "AND TAKE THE RED SOX WITH YOU". Brought down the house even among Pats fans. (I made a mental note to steal that line for later use at a game. Suggest you do the same, it was a winner)
Once inside the gates, they were having a pep rally inside the Astrodome. Eddie Money was performing, and there are few things funnier in life than watching a sixty-year-old man belt out rock songs and ballads from the 80's sweating like a pig. It was on the Astrodome floor, and I kept having Bad News Bears flashbacks and wanted to run around like that little blonde kid. "Let them play! Let them play! Let them play!" was chanting thru my head the whole time. But what a dump that place is, wow. Very easy to see why the Oilers left.
After the pep rally, we decided to head to our seats and check them out. Our seats were on the Patriots side, Section 609, that is the upper deck at about the 40-yard line. Great seats if you ask me, but the guy next to me was upset. He was about sixty years old, and a Pats Club Level season ticket holder for years. All he could say was (insert thick Boston accent) "I've got the best seats in the house in Gillette, and they stick me up here, unbelievable” Great guy though, and all the Patriot fans around us were actually. Although one guy had the bladder of a child and got up to go to the restroom at least 8 times. I was ready to push him down the steps by the end of the game. Flat out told him "No, wait your ass over there until this play is done" TWICE. (maybe I had more than one complaint I guess)
Pre-game show. Very cool. Got to watch them close the roof, which took about 3 minutes, tops, and saw some crazy people parachute from INSIDE the stadium to the field. Watching them setup the show was cool, and the applause Willie Nelson got when he sang was deafening. My Super Bowl MVP only trumped his applause. Guess who?
The Streaker. Sidesplitting, piss your pants funny. I don't care what anyone says about them ruining the game, etc etc. Streakers rock in my book. This guy gets out on the field right before the second half, wearing a g-string, sneakers, and something written on him, and does an Irish jig RIGHT by the ball for about 30-45 seconds before ANYONE makes a move to stop him. The players seemed to think what everyone in the stands thought, that this was some sort of commercial getting filmed or something, because they just stood and watched. Finally, one cop ran onto the field and the streaker was off to the races. He, however, didn't get too far. Matt Chatham of the Pats gave him a little elbow (I've read he LEVELED him, which didn't happen, it was an elbow, not even a bad one at that) and he went down, was hogtied, and left the field to a roaring, standing ovation. Later that night, I heard Chatham on the radio saying "You know, we're a Bill Belichek coached team, so we were well prepared. I saw film on this guy last week, so I knew some of tendencies already". After your flash in the pan career is over Matt, you've got a career in comedy that was just priceless.
That's really about it. I did get to see Marcus Allen getting the 'treatment' from airport security at Bush the next morning, he looked FURIOUS.
I'm going to do everything in my power to get back next year, even if I have to pay because it was that fun. I guess the way the game went was key, but the Super Bowl is an EVENT. I could write pages and pages on the women I saw all weekend long, the talent level was unbelievable. Events bring out the women and the Super Bowl is an event like none other.
(I'd mention seeing Janet's right breast, but I'm sick and tired of hearing and reading so much about it. It was nothing, meant nothing, and is no worse than anything else on TV these days)
